They Answer Politely And Say Nothing

They are lovely. That is the problem and it sounds ridiculous when you say it out loud.

They say please. They say thank you. They answer when spoken to, in full sentences, warmly, and then they go upstairs.

There is nothing to complain about, which is why you have never complained about it, and why you would sound like a lunatic if you tried. Nobody is going to sympathize with a parent whose child is unfailingly polite.

But somewhere in the last year the politeness stopped being warmth and started being a surface. It is smooth and there is nothing to catch on, and you have found yourself almost missing the door slamming.

Because a door slam has something behind it. This has manners in front of it, and you cannot get past manners without becoming the sort of parent who pushes.

I am not going to give you a way through the politeness. That is a technique and this is not a place that hands those out. And I am not going to tell you what it means, because I do not know your child, and guessing at your expense would be no use to you.

I know my sheep, and am known of mine

There is a sentence in John where the knowing runs in both directions, and the order it comes in matters.

I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine. (John 10:14, King James Version)

Know my sheep. That comes first, and it does not depend on anything being told.

A shepherd knows an animal that has never once explained itself. The knowing is built out of hours, weather, feeding, walking, noticing which one hangs back and which one goes first. None of it is conversation.

You have been building that knowing for years, and not one hour of it has ever depended on being told anything. It is written in John 10:14 that the good shepherd knows his sheep, and the Spirit of God is the one who counts hours and weather as knowledge rather than as waiting.

You know that child in the way a shepherd knows, and none of it has ever been built out of what they told you. John 10:14 says I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and the Holy Spirit is the one who brings that into a kitchen where somebody just said thank you and went upstairs.

And then the second half. And am known of mine.

The knowing goes back the other way, and notice how it is expressed. Not, and mine tell me things. Known of mine, which is a quiet recognition rather than a disclosure.

You are known by that child in a way that does not run on information, and it has never once needed a conversation to be real. It is written in John 10:14 that the knowing runs both directions without a word being mentioned, and the Spirit of God is the one who counts recognition as knowing.

Politeness is not always a wall

Now let me offer something about the manners themselves, because the reading that has settled on this may not be the accurate one.

Courtesy can be distance. Sometimes it certainly is. It can also be a person under strain running on the settings that take the least out of them, and please and thank you cost the least of anything a person can say.

A young person with a great deal going on internally will often be scrupulously polite, because politeness is cheap and improvising is not.

That is not a diagnosis and I am not making one. It is a second possible reading, offered because you have only had one for about a year.

John 10:14 has a shepherd who knows without being told anything, and the Holy Spirit is the one who lets a parent hold two readings instead of settling on the worse one.

You are allowed to hold a second reading, and the first one has never once been proved. John 10:14 makes the knowing something built rather than something disclosed, and the Holy Spirit is the one who keeps a person from settling on the reading that hurts most.

And here is the plain thing, because a year of this has become something about you.

That is not a verdict. It is not a score, it is not a grade, and it is not evidence about the parent in that kitchen.

It is a young person being courteous, which is a thing you taught them, and it is doing exactly what you taught it to do even though tonight it is not what you want.

You have not been shut out by good manners, and politeness in that house has never once been a report on what is between you. The written word has a shepherd knowing without disclosure in John 10:14, and the Spirit of God is the one who declines to read courtesy as a verdict.

What not to do with this

One straight thing about what would make it worse, because the instinct is strong and it is the wrong one.

Do not name it. Do not say anything about how polite they have been lately. Do not say, I feel like I do not know you any more.

Both of those ask a young person to account for something they may not have noticed themselves, and the only available response is either a denial or a performance of warmth, and both of those cost more than the politeness does.

You are not required to raise it, and staying quiet about it has never once been the same as pretending nothing is happening. It is written in John 10:14 that the shepherd knows without being told, and the Spirit of God is the one who keeps a parent from asking for an account nobody can give.

If the worry here is real worry about how they are rather than sadness about a distance, then speak to somebody qualified. A doctor, the school, a counselor. Say plainly what has been noticed and let a trained person tell you what it is.

John 10:14 has a shepherd who works by presence rather than by questioning, and the Holy Spirit is the one who is with a parent in a kitchen and in a waiting room alike.

You are able to keep doing the shepherd's work without ever raising it, and none of that has ever required an explanation from them. John 10:14 builds the knowing out of hours rather than out of answers, and the Holy Spirit is the one who is present in a person who does not ask.